So I got on TheFacebook.com this morning and saw this:
That’s. My. MOM.
I do a lot of things, but one thing I don’t do is embarrass my mom… on purpose. So there will be no posting of silly pictures, telling private stories, etc. etc. What I will do, however, is narrow down 250 awesome things about my mom to a Top 10. This is no easy task, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
10. Voted ‘Most Popular’ in High School
I mean, that’s too fly. Unfortunately I could not keep up w/ the family tradition, seeing as that I was voted “Most Losingest Athlete Ever”. But hey, what are you going to do.
9. Refuses to get pushed around by people at fast-food drive-thru windows.
This used to embarrass me so much, but now I respect it and love it. IF MY MOM WANTS A SWEET TEA/LEMONADE MIX WITH NO ICE, AND YOU PUT ICE IN IT, YOU WILL BE SCOLDED & POSSIBLY PUBLICLY HUMILIATED.
8. Loves to throw parties at our house.
Oh wait, you’re having a baby? THE BABY SHOWER IS AT OUR HOUSE.
What’d you say, you’re turning 55 soon? SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY — OUR HOUSE.
Heard through the grapevine that you finally got that Master’s in Education. MASTERS EXTRAVAGANZA — OUR HOUSE — PLAYERS DRIVE — BE THERE.
7. Hates to cook, but can THROW DOWN.
My mom is not trying cook all the time, she’s got more important things to be doing, like watching Matlock and being a boss. With that said, let a holiday roll around.
Macaroni & Cheese, Pot Roast, 7-Layer Salad — No Competition.
Gumbo — Not so much, but we won’t go into that…
6. LOVES MATLOCK.
I can’t explain my mom’s love for Matlock, but it’s real. Like, so real, if there is a Matlock marathon at the same time as my Columbia Graduation, she’ll be at my graduation, but she’ll be thinking about which episodes she’s probably missing. So. Real.
5. Has a 1-Hand Backhand.
Only the truest of tennis players have the audacity to hit a 1-hand backhand. In women’s tennis, even more so. I’m talking:
Charlyn Harper Browne
Not a bad list.
4. Forced me to listen to “Oldies” in the car.
This is secretly one of the most important things that ever happened to me. Even though I listened to rap and hip-hop, in the car it only was Kiss 104, all day, all night. While I griped and groaned about this growing up, if it hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t wholly believe that “Rubberband Man” by The Spinners was a superior song to “Rubberband Man” by T.I.
And then there’s Luther… I could go on about this topic, but I must push on.
No. Big. Deal. Just making the world better for the little ones. That’s all.
2. Calling Out Frauds
For those of you who, for better or for worse, watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you know who “Dr. Tiy-E Mohammed” is. For those of you who, for better or for worse, don’t, he was a guy having a fling w/ one of the housewives who had a shady past. Read on…
The last line, “School officials said he left after they discovered his credentials were bogus.” That school official == My Mom.
SERVED. SERVED. SERVED. SERVED. SERVED.
1. Disliking Facebook.
While it’s not my favorite thing about my mom, in this wired day and age, this is pretty awesome. The only reason my mom is even on Facebook is because she organized her High School class reunion (another party) and needed to contact people.
She’s not on it to make new friends, she doesn’t have notifications sent directly to her phone and email, and she isn’t throwing up pictures from ’71 or making albums called “Ponytails OUT, Afros IN — Sophomore Year at SPELMAN Gurrrrrrl.”
Way too fly for that. I say I hate Facebook, but that’s just to sound cool. My mom actually loathes Facebook and means it. I Love That.
Happy Birthday, Mom. I thought this was a better present than something expensive, because the money I would have spent I’ll probably be asking for, come
I’ll call you at 3.