It’s 7am and I have no idea how today is going to turn out.
I woke up this early for two reasons: 1) I’m pretty sure someone threw a rock at my window and 2) I wanted to crank this out before too much of my day had passed me by. Depending on how a few deliberate measures pan out + the standard chance encounters, I could look back at this day with great pride or great sadness.
Luckily for me, there will be no surprises. I know how the good and bad scenarios will look, it’s just a matter of not knowing which one will come to fruition. These are my 10 Valentine’s Day scenarios, from least likely to most likely.
The fly waitress/barista at Society Coffee in Harlem finally starts paying attention to me, after I leave my 7th consecutive 250% tip. She sits down at my table and, right on time, my nose starts to sweat. We start to talk and right before I say anything, she says “You remind me of my little brother.” The sweat on my nose dries up and I instantly become disinterested in what she has to say. She gets up and before she walks away, asks me if I want the last bowl of grits in the pot. My nose starts to sweat again, I say “yes”, I enjoy my free bowl of cheese grits, and subsequently leave her a 4,200% tip.
Overall Success Score – 7/10
After making “Table for 2” reservations at most restaurants in the Tri-State Region, I decide on one in the Upper West Side. The restaurant is called “Subway”. The table setting has been put out, as I requested, and 2 beautiful Five-Dollar Footlongs are laid out elegantly across the table. I would have been embarrassed that I had no one to join me, but there was a guy across the restaurant in the same situation. I finally yell to the guy, “It’s hard out there for guys like us”, and he responds with “Eh, it’s not so bad.” As he says that, I hear the door open and in walks the fly waitress/barista from Society Coffee. They embrace, I immediately leave (paid ahead), walk home and watch ABC Family until I fall asleep… at 8:30pm.
Overall Success Score – 2/10
Desperately wanting to get into the Valentine’s Day spirit, I decide a matinee is in order. After hearing about some movie named “Blue Valentine”, I figure it’s an appropriate film to see and will be the pick-me-up that I need. I vaguely remember overhearing someone say “this is the saddest movie I’ve ever seen, 1) don’t see it alone and 2) definitely don’t see it on Valentine’s Day.” Whatever, they were probably just overreacting.
Overall Success Score – 4/10
After sitting down at a coffee shop at a 2-person table, someone finally takes the bait. Unfortunately for me, the dude looks like Kimbo Slice, totally ruining my plan. I almost got up to leave, but instead realized that today had to be the day Rembo > Kimbo. I attacked him the only way I knew how: I began blasting the score to Les Miserables from my headphones at an uncomfortably loud level. Luckily for me, he was not wearing headphones and the cries of Jean Valjean were not his cup of tea. Finally, he packed his stuff up, gave me a pretty clear “if I see you in the street, you’re done” look, and walked away. Unluckily for me, however, everyone else in the coffee shop had to deal w/ the French Resistance coming out of my headphones, turning my table into a solo operation for the rest of the day.
Overall Success Score – 5/10
In an attempt to get pumped up for all the ladies that will be throwing themselves at me all day, I type in “Valentine” into iTunes search browser. Two songs pop up, “Valentine” by Justice and “Happy Valentine’s Day” by Outkast. 8 minutes and 19 seconds, total. I turn the playlist on loop and begin my day. Next thing I know, 7 hours have gone by, I’m on a bus to Trenton, NJ, and at some point had a massive nose bleed. Arriving in Trenton and discovering there’s not a way back to Manhattan until Tuesday morning, I post up at a karaoke bar, sing Dru Hill’s entire discography, and leave with over 40 numbers. Gotta love good ol’ Trenton.
Overall Success Score – 7/10
After watching about 500 people jump the gun on listening to the 3rd Annual “Singles Appreciation Day (S.A.D.) Mix”, I finally turn it on as a way to start my Valentine’s Day. When it pops up on my iTunes, I am greeted with 25 songs from Cameo, Cloudeater, Foreigner, Childish Gambino, Robin Thicke, Bootsy Collins, and more. The bipolarity of the songs immediately brings a smile to my face and all depression that is normally associated w/ Valentine’s Day for singles has been erased. Throughout the 1 hour, 36 minute, and 27 second mix, a flurry of FANCY women walk over to my table, wanting to know if they can be my boo. Each time, I take out one headphone, tell them “You’re fancy and all, but I’m busy… Cameo is on”, put the headphone back in, and continue on with my 1-person listening party. Swag.
Overall Success Score – 8/10
The only 2 forms of love I receive are an eCard from my mom and my W2 in the mail from the IRS. One I’m extremely appreciative of and the other I fold into a paper airplane, and throw out of my window. The paper airplane hits a very attractive girl walking down the street, who proceeds to unfold my paper airplane, read how much I made last year, and then ask me if I want to take her to Subway. I tell her “I know just the place” and I run down before she changes her mind.
Overall Success Score – 9/10
I call my girl Esperanza Spalding, winner of last night’s Best New Artist Grammy (beating Bieber, Drake, Florence, & Mumford) and ask her if she’s still free to go out tonight for V-Day. She tells me her schedule unexpectedly filled up overnight and she has to cancel on me. I then call Drake, who says he is unexpectedly free because, according to him, “Women hate Losers.” We order delivery thai, watch Season 3 of Degrassi, and I teach him how to perform live without embarrassing his friends and family. Solid bromantic evening.
Overall Success Score – 2/10
Shoot out a text to a girl, asking her what she’s up to this evening. She responds with:
“Hey!! Happy Valentine’s Day!! Got no plans of yet, crzy huh?!?! Want 2 meet up laterz? 🙂 xoxo”
6 exclamation marks, 3 question marks, 2 misspelled words, and 1 emoticon later, I delete all of her contact information and vow never to speak to her again. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Overall Success Score – 0/10
Girl X (yes, you.) get to the end of this list and realize that 1) you have no plans tonight and 2) suddenly want to spend the rest of your Valentine’s Day with me. You already had a mini-crush, but this Valentine’s Day ramble made you a believer. You send me a text or an email, but you don’t call because you know I hate answering the phone unless I absolutely have to. You want to know where I am and I kindly tell you that I’m at 120th and Broadway, but would meet you wherever because I’m that kind of guy. You ask me what I want to do and I throw out some pretty awesome ideas, all of which you are into. We pick a meet up point, and…
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY