Last night, right before the strike of midnight, good ol’ 500 Days Asunder hit a milestone with regards to site views that I honestly wasn’t expecting to get to until maybe April. I thought that because I only expected a few people in my inner circle to read it every now and then.
I didn’t expect friends, family, and strangers to subscribe to it, for people to be commenting on posts regularly, and for the response to be so positive. There will be many “thank you” emails sent out in the next few days as a token of my appreciation.
Also, based on some suggestions I’ve received and my desire to get more and more creative with this site, I’m making some changes to the structure of the blog.
Still every day, don’t fret, but I’m just giving myself a little bit more freedom to be unapologetically weird. Check it out tomorrow.
NOW THAT THAT’S OVER, LET’S STEREOTYPE SOME FOOLS
If you’ve read anything I’ve written or spoken to me once, you understand that I like talking about race very openly and very casually. I am a huge fan of people of all shapes, sizes, and colors, but there are just certain types of people that, in my eyes, can almost do no wrong.
There are 10 types of people, to be exact, that could say and do the worst thing to me and I wouldn’t be mad. But they never would, because, well, they’re perfect.
Also, it’s important to note that these aren’t my opinions. These are facts.
10. 16-18 year old Black Boys
Ever get on any form of public transportation and there’s a group of 7-10 high-school aged Black guys? To 95% of the people on that bus/train, this will be the most unpleasant 5-10 minutes of their
lives day, but to me it’s easily my highlight of the day. Without knowing anything about these boys, I can guarantee that they will 1) be loud, 2) be vulgar, and 3) not have the slightest intention of hushing up.
I love it, because, believe it or not, I was once a 16-18 year old Black boy and the same way. The level to which these boys are innapropriate is astronomical, but every now and then, it’s nostalgic and refreshing.
9. Really Fratty Indian Guys.
I don’t know what it is, but this maybe small/maybe large section of the population amuses me to no end. Maybe it just the fact that it catches me off guard, or maybe it’s the fact that they never want to stop partying. When I’m at a bar and see said Indian guy at the bar buying shots for the 283 people at the bar, the biggest smile comes across my face. My favorite thing about my man is that when he wakes up the next morning and sees $2,295 missing from his bank account, he’s upset. Really upset. He’s in utter disbelief because he can’t believe he didn’t make it to $2,500.
8. Ethnically-ambiguous 4-year olds.
This is Bonnie. Bonnie is from Toy Story 3 and is the single cutest child ever created. If I had to guess, I’d say Bonnie is:
- 1/4 Peruvian
- 1/4 French
- 1/8 Filipino
- 1/8 Lebanese
- 7/32 Black Irish
- 1/32 Navi
She’s a Black Fruvian Lebanino Navrish Princess. She, and others like her, can do no wrong.
7. Jewish Moms
There was a time in my life where I didn’t know any Jewish moms. That was definitely a darker time in my life.
Then 5th grade happened and I was blessed with a posse of Jewish friends with (you guessed it) Jewish moms. When I think about the crew of Jewish moms that let me terrorize their respective fridges and walk into their respective homes without knocking, a tear about falls down my face. I. Love. My. Girls.
6. Old Black Men w/ Jokes for Days.
I’m not trying to rush through life, but I genuinely can’t wait to be an old black man that says whatever he wants. This clip, from “Do The Right Thing”, pretty much sums up what I’m getting at.
So consistently grumpy. I love it.
5. White Girls that Wear Sundresses and Love Wu-Tang
This is one of the greatest combinations ever created. It seems pretty specific, but this is an ever-growing demographic, and one that I truly appreciate. I don’t know what it was in said White girl’s upbringing that made her love Wu-Tang, while continuing to wear sundresses, but it’s an exceptional thing to do. As someone who has a few good friends that date White girls that wear sundresses and love Wu-Tang, please note that I stress the beauty of this demographic on a daily basis.
4. Nerdy-looking Black Girls
So I google-imaged “Nerdy Black Girls” with the hopes that it would send me to lots of pictures of Rashida Jones wearing glasses.
Instead, the first link was to a message board that had this gem:
To all the black girls out there that have an affinity for
looking exactly like Rashida Jones being FANCY, in that “i take apart computers just to rebuild them stronger than before” look, just know I love you and you’re perfect.
3. Gay Bouncers
I won’t lie, this was almost number 1. In my 18 months in NYC, gay bouncers are the one demographic that has never let me down. Somewhere along the way, the role of the bouncer became synonymous with being the single rudest individual ever. Luckily for me, gay bouncers have not gotten this memo and are always quite kind to me. How many have I come across in my 18 months? Three. Each time, I was actually treated like a human, I wasn’t told to get out of line because my appearance and overall demeanor would scare away all the patrons, and I most certainly wasn’t picked up and thrown in the dumpster.
If there’s one thing New York City really needs, it’s more gay bouncers. Yep. That’s the one thing.
2. Black Women at Outdoor Music Festivals.
I can go into why this is true at another time, but trust me when I say an outdoor, multi-day music festival isn’t exactly the most likely place to have a high density of Black women. Something about the mix of camping, lack of showering, 95-100 degree heat, lack of mirrors, and more camping fails to scream “Million Woman March”. With that said, many brave Black lady souls go and I love them for it.
I love these festivals, because I like to camp, can stand to not shower, happen to glisten instead of sweat, and don’t use mirrors anyway. So, my fancy yet grimy ladies, if you decide to go you should find me. I will be your best friend and try to marry you. I’m the guy that has the physique of the Old Spice Guy, but less airbrushed.
1. Black Moms.
Black moms are like a mink coat: Everyone in Atlanta has one. Black moms are like a fine wine: They get better with age and currently I’m too broke to spend money on you.
Black moms are the best. Game. Set. Match. Sorry everyone else, but if I say something different, I’ll be in time out.