Happy Birthday to ???

There is a man who’s birthday is today.

This is a man unlike anyone who has ever walked this earth.

Sometimes I tell people, “I’m multidimensional… Don’t try to put me into a box… I can’t be classified… blah blah blah…”

I say that, but it’s all lies.  There are 7 categories that I ultimately fall into: Self-depricating, Black, surprisingly strong, Southern, screener of calls, lover of grits, mama’s boy.

THAT’S IT.

This guy, on the other hand, is unclassifiable.  To prove this point, I rounded up the people who know said birthday boy the best and told them to give me descriptions and anecdotes about the man.

This is fun for those who know him and those who don’t.

If you do, these anecdotes will make your life happier.

If you don’t, imagine who you think this guy is, and then lets these anecdotes make your life happier.  I bet the final photo will surprise you.

 

??????

 

“Once, I watched this kid walk into Chipotle and, without hesitation, order two full burritos… not because he wanted to… but because he had to” – RMB

He goes to the gym a lot.  And by “goes”, I mean “walks”, and by “gym” I mean “deli” – RMB

A few years ago, I walked into the club with him and 4 girls instantly started hitting on him because they thought he looked like a Black Pete Sampras.  Which is funny, b/c he isn’t Black and isn’t Pete Sampras. – RMB

One time I watched him rescue a stroller that had rolled into the street.  When I asked him later why he did it, he said, “you never know… that baby could be the next Nas” – RMB

Things were always a little bit tense between me and him until the day I told him I’d spent most of the past week watching the video for Onyx’s “Slam Harder” – OR

The first thing i ever heard about him was that he looked like a “hot fox” – SS

Unbeknownst to him, his biological father is Rick Rubin. Which explains why he walks, talks, looks, and acts like a prepubescent Rick Rubin – TDK

He once danced on the pink pigtail of a 16 foot giant hologram anime girl in front of thousands of screaming and fainting Japanese fans. – SY

I called him at 9:45 on a Saturday night because I was at sushi place and the question of what wasabi is made out of came up. He was at the the office so couldn’t answer at 9:45 on a Saturday. He immediately texts me the answer (because he just know stuff like that)…. “Its a root by the way. The stuff that comes with sushi is just really finely grated root.” – EZ

He took on a kid in a speeding contest that consisted of an entire tombstone pizza, and 2 frozen corn-dogs (1 still frozen). – EZ

He once owned a Sean Jean denim suit with Timberlands (see every rapper in the early 2000’s). During the same point in time he also owned a wave cap and an afro pick. Pretty sure he still has the pick. – EZ

He appreciates all the finest meats and cheeses popular with those with a sophisticated pallet but he also knows that he is not above eating the lowest, dirty meals that only ends in self-hatred that would make you wish you ate at Taco Bell instead. – EZ

He cooks dinner with no pants on – BJH

His hair is thicker than the amazon -BJH

He’s got thighs bigger than Serena Williams – BJH

He used to drive a velvet top Chevy Caprice Classic: 3 in the front, 2 in the back – the Hoodest car of all time – BJH

His room at home has got stickers on the wall – BJH

He dresses like a mob boss at formal events – BJH

He knows every Nas, Mobb Deep, AZ, and Wu-Tang lyric of all time. – BJH

Try playing him a Jeopardy, he’ll beat you. – BJH

The three things that have influenced his life the most are a) Black People, b) Asian People, and c) Nerds/Computers – JBL

He pickled his own Daikon radishes last year because he just that hood-rich – JBL

His AIM screen name was CloudTifa7 until his junior year of college (when he changed it to his real name). CloudTifa is a reference to something japanese and/or videogame related/nerdy.  Not sure what the seven is for, but we can only assume it has something to do with anime. – JBL

He legitimately (NOT IRONICALLY) brushed is hair with an AFRO PICK in high school. I swear this is true. I’ll give everyone a break to pick there jaw up off the floor. – JBL

He used to rock a Kurt Warner XXL Rams Jersey 2 times per week. Minimum. Womens loved it – JBL

He disagreed with someone complementing outkast for using a band with real instruments rather than a DJ by saying “there’s no guitars in the hood.” He then proceeded to write code for his CS project for the next 8 hours. – JBL

If you were to search his bedroom in Atlanta, you would find no less than 4 doo rags. – JBL

His family had a hard copy of every single NEJM (New England Journal of Medicine) that was published since 1975. We cleaned them out of his basement in 2007. It’s a weekly publication. Do the math. That 1664 Magazines that they never bothered to throw away until the sheer volume was compromising the foundation of their house. – JBL

He once let me smack his bear ass as hard as I could with a ping pong paddle. On camera. We were 16 years old, and completely sober. – JBL

He once took a test created by his now-roommate entitled “How well do you know Asians.” He scored a 100, including knowing that Lucy Liu was from Taiwan just by looking at her. Two hours later, he spontaneously started a shirtless dance party. – JBL

One time I woke up in his apartment. He was watching Cedric the Entertainer’s stand-up at 7:30 in the morning. – JHD

I was stuck in an elevator with him and 7 other people for an hour once. He was the only one who wasn’t screaming by the end. He was also the one to establish the requisite pee corner. – JHD

He knows all the words to every Kilo Ali song ever made. Kilo Ali is like Gucci Mane if it was still last millennium and Gucci Mane had a PHD. – JHD

I once saw this man eat rice with his bare hands…Ive havnt recovered from it yet – KB

There is no human that eats more vegetables and fruits in one day…- KB

3 days ago I watched him geek out while watching Volume 1 of a 9 volume Best of Soul Train compilation that he downloaded…when the Afro-sheen commercial came on, he almost passed out from sheer joy. He knew ever single 70s/80s R&B song that came on word for word…- KB

From Twitter: “I prefer rappers that keep it real to their own detriment…like Styles P…” – KB

From Twitter: “For a while I was a staunch Nas loyalist…” – KB

He knows more hip-hop/rap trivia than me…and i know a lot. – KB

I watch this mad man for a whole sunday and his activities consisted of eating carrots, pineapples and other assorted fruit, chips a hoy cookies, a hodge podge of leftovers packed onto a plate & sushi with his hand from the aforementioned dirty plate with no shame…and slandered the players in the all star game (as did I)…thats it…nothing else…the only time he picked up his computer was to watch the previously mentioned soul train compilation…(oh, and he also showed us a really really nerdy poster that mapped all the connections on the World Wide Web as of 2007…it was pretty nerdy) – KB

He believes he is just one fade away from being Drake’s twin.  But really he’s just the spitting image of Lil B- KB

He once challenged us that he would be a better free styler than all of his friends (yes, JBL, even better than you).  The only thing keeping him from achieving this feat is one shameless bottle of delirium. Thy will be done. – AC

He is 1/2 Jewfro and 1/2 shoulders/fist pump – AC

The first interaction I had with him was a pregame at 15c. He didn’t make it out the door. We came back at the end of the night, ate some slices, watched an episode of SVU, and he slept through the entire thing. He left at 5 am without his shirt. – KH

If he were to have a seven person party, he’d be able to provide each person with their own tall tee and enough rice to last a week. – KH

One time he and I were bored, so we went to Blick, bought 5 cans of spray paint, canvas, markers and some other supplies. On our way back we saw some huge wooden boards in the trash. We picked those up, or rather he did, and lugged them all the way from Bleeker to 10P. The creation has yet to be made, but it was worth it, because he “loves doing productive shit.” – KH

I’m not sure what he loves more – Scarface, or the DVD special feature titled “rappers discuss why they love Scarface.” – KH

From what I’ve gathered, he wore someone else’s XXL sweatpants 5x a week in middle school. Note, the sweatpants were not his own. – KH

On Feb 11, he became one of the happiest humans on the planet. On this day, he was able to download 676 Lil B songs. And I quote, “I know I’ve been one of his biggest fans in terms of his persona, but it actually just happened….I’m now a HUUUUGEE fan of his music. I’m so screwed. – KH

I went to camp with him in like 8th grade. We went to EXPLO, an academic enrichment program disguised as camp Anawanah (yes, from Salute your Shorts). He somehow pulled the BADDEST chick in the whole program…I think her name was like Ari or something. I’m still extremely jealous; she was just like Kim Kardashian, except all natural. – M”M”O

I have known this monster since i was 3, and i have NEVER in my life meet someone who smelled so distinct. I swear to this committee that if i had 100 t-shirts, i could be able to tell which one he draped over his body. Now, this smell is not grotesque nor is it a type of febreze scent that you would spray in your car during desperate times. This smell is unique to an individual that persperates this odor since he was three while eating Little Debbie snack cakes, beating my ass in Ninja Turtles 2 for Nintendo as we listen to the deep cuts of Noreaga.  Anyway, though it is difficult to describe this smell, i would say it is a mix between a log cabin that has not been lived in during the summer months combined with a pinch, just a pinch of a new plastic utensil smell, along with a sprinkle of deodorant and musk with some additional extra secret ingredients that only hiss glands know. My deepest respect and love for the smell and this man that we have all grown to love and become accustomed to. – BSH

One time, i forced him to go with me to the botanical gardens in the bronx. Then we ate the best pizza ever made on the planet after we looked at a few flowers. – FB

I once left a shirt in his house over night and when I got home it smelled like his had been wearing it everyday for a week. Its amazing. Once while at Jimmy’s house in high school, a basketball jersey was returned by him (it was clean) and 4 of his friends were able to independently and blindly identify the smell as his house simply by being handed the jersey and asking what it smelled like. I have put considerable research into this phenomenon. – EZ

I used to believe that the smell was his house or some obscure cleaning product or air vent system his family used. If anyone has ever been to his basement, you would understand why. I’m pretty sure that his parent’s basement is the Mecca of the smell and should be visited by all Solomon Scent Aficionados (SSA). However, when I visited him in NYC (900 miles away) his room still had the smell. Not as strong, but definitely present. Further, the smell was confined to his room. Although potent in his personal quarters, his aura had not spread to the communal living spaces (amazing). This leads me to conclude that the smell comes from the man himself…. but my research continues. – EZ

My favorite favorite thing about Rembert is that he introduced me to him – AK

His jumpshot in 8th grade. . .was nothing other than BUTTA!!. . .and his basketball shorts were down to the ankle area. .give or take a few inches… – AWM

Happy birthday to the King, Matthew Adam Solomon.

Dear,

The Big Guy, EZ, J.Lo, Hansen, Josie, Covie, Stim, Kagan, Sakura, Kelly, Modi, Ajani, Kozza, Fiona, & Aulden

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About Rembert Browne

NYC via ATL //// rembert.browne@gmail.com 500daysasunder.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in My Team, Party Invites/Birthday Presents. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Happy Birthday to ???

  1. Jon says:

    Man. That guy is handsome.

  2. Judy says:

    happy birthday, matt! let’s hang out more so i can phase rem out of my life.

  3. Michelle Young says:

    if only mark zuckerberg was this cool…

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