Hey, it’s Rem.
We’ve got to talk.
You know, I’d say our relationship has flourished over the years, with my tolerance for your meat dresses and your tolerance for my complete disregard of animal rights, the environment, and the gays both rising over time. Things seemed to be great between us, and I felt as if I could tell you anything.
So, Lady, why did I wake up this morning to learn via Twitter that your birthday was today, meaning that we SHARE a birthday. Sure, Twitter is supposed to be where I first learn about real news (Libya, Egypt, Tsunami, Sheen), but not about matters amongst friends.
You’ve known my birthday for years, LG, but you kept yours a secret from me. Because of this lie by omission, I don’t even know if we can continue to be the dynamic duo that we once were.
Maybe you think I’m overreacting but it’s really bad out there for me. I mean, every text I’ve received today is a dig at you being cooler than me.
I mean, look at this
This never happened last year. The sass wasn’t present. This person (who’s identity I’m working hard to keep anonymous) used to love me.
She used to dedicate your lyrics to me. You know:
I’m your biggest fan
I’ll follow you until you love me
Papa — Paparazzi
Happy Birthday, Rembert
She used to be my biggest fan, and then word gets out about your birthday and BOOM. I’m no longer important.
If you would have told me 4-5 years ago, we could have made preparations to change your birthday before you got famous. You could have been an April 16th, or maybe even a Christmas gal… yeah, you’re definitely a holiday birthday kind of girl. What you aren’t is a March 28th. Not one bit. That’s my thing.
You know who else has our my birthday, LG? Julia Stiles. After “Save The Last Dance”, she approached me and asked to be friends. While this film did ruin my decade, she seemed nice enough and I’m always one to give a White girl in a doo-rag a chance. Anyway, we got close, hung out all the time, and then as her 26th birthday approached, I stumbled upon a facebook birthday invite that she created and failed to invite me to.
She didn’t invite me, because her birthday
is was March 28th. And not only was she having a rival party, she was trying to lure all of my friends with her fame, her wealth, and her pale swag.
She was trying to secretly steal the thunder from my 21st and, because this is a family blog, let’s just say harsh words were exchanged, nunchucks were pulled out, one of us ended up in a body cast, and I comfortably played 3 sets of tennis the next day.
Gaga, I’m not violent–a misunderstanding caused her temporary residence in a body cast. I’m actually one of the most peaceful creatures ever created. I’m like a meerkat. With that said, why would you want to put yourself in a position to get mollywopped and/or diddybopped by the big guy? What I’m trying to say, Gaga, is that you’re putting your career in danger by having the same birthday as me.
So, Stefani, you seem to have 2 options in moving forward. Tweet out to all of your followers that there’s been a mistake and your birthday actually spans over the 7 days of Kwanzaa…
Smugly keep it the way it is and see what happens.
While I can’t predict the future, I envision a conflict that mirrors this:
Gaga, we used to rep the same SmartTech. I don’t think we do anymore.
If we decide to move forward, amicably, then I will shower you with birthday hugs.
Until then… Happy Birthday to Me.