I’m a Biter: RESULTS

Yesterday, I explained how my entire personality could be attributed to 24 years of subconsciously stealing other people’s character traits. I said this with pride, because the end result (me) isn’t the absolute worst thing in the world.

I also said that I would explain in detail the people who are most responsible for the way I am, what aspects of their character I have lifted, and most importantly, which people are responsible for the greatest percentage of my being.

****THE PIE CHART OF INFLUENCE/STOLEN CHARACTER TRAITS****
(click pie to enlarge)

****************************************************************************

Will Smith (Fresh Prince) – 20%


Majority of Dance Moves
All Summer Wardrobe Choices
Necessary Adjustments to Blazers
Negotiating Skills (only when guns and cousins are involved).

Dave Chappelle – 10%


Go-to Laugh.
Go-to Yell.
Entire Sense of Humor.
Belief that talking about race head-on might save the world.
Fear of money.

Malcolm X – 9%


Belief that people really do change.
Preference towards simplistic suits.
Preference towards simplistic ties.
Preference towards browline glasses.
Love of non-fiction.
Beard.

Michael Jackson – 8%


Sympathy for Rats
Love of ad-libs.
Love of Highwater Pants
Jumping up and down to get a point across.

Barack Obama – 7%


Idea of leading by example. And it actually working.
Almost irrational belief in change.
Postponing very important meetings for pick-up basketball.

Andre 3000 – 6%

Representing where you come from.
Living a shirtless life.
Being so good at something, you can act/dress/behave however you want and no one can say anything to you. Ever. Until the end of time. 

Denzel’s Early 90s Mustache – 5%

My mustache

Denzel – 4%


The realization that the only way I could be like Denzel is through my Denzel Early 90s Mustache.

Stephen Colbert – 4%


Entire Writing Style. 100%.
Simple. White. Pocket. Squares.

Theo Huxtable – 4%

Asking “But Why” about everything.
They way I talked to girls from age 13-18 and then again from 24-on.

Patti Labelle – 4%


The inner sassy fly grandmother trapped inside of my soul.
My love and respect for the alphabet.

Mos & Talib, Astronomy (8th Light) – 3%


My very vocal love of being Black
My love of rap.
My desire to be really smart, while still loving rap and still being aggressively Black.

The Rat Pack – 3%

The desire to always stay suited up.
The way I walked down a long flight of stairs.
My obsession with interracial creative collaboration.
My obsession with the glamorous side of the 50s.

Will Smith – 2%


Hatred towards Aliens
A slight hero complex
Desire to always have a Sidekick.

Martin Luther King, Jr. – 2%


Unwavering Persistence.
The strategic use of the pregnant pause in speeches.

Wesley Snipes, White Men Can’t Jump – 2%

My need to constantly trash talk while playing sports/not playing sports.
My old man basketball moves
My preferred blacktop basketball wardrobe
My commitment to the double tank top
My desire to hustle people that deserved to be hustled.

Prince – 2%


Affinity towards Purple
Chest Hair
Killer Crossover
Ability to purchase a nice woman’s button-up without anyone noticing.

Ryan Gosling – 1%

The ability to attempt this look every day and fail. 

Gunnar Stahl – 1%


Learning how to behave in defeat.

Cory Matthews – 1%

Desire to have the most attractive girlfriend of all time.

Bea Arthur – 1%

That Facial Expression.

Carlton Banks – 1%

My belief that prep school tie/jacket combos are the greatest fashion look ever.
Whining.

If you haven’t met me yet, you most certainly won’t want to after this.

Good day.

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About Rembert Browne

NYC via ATL //// rembert.browne@gmail.com 500daysasunder.wordpress.com
This entry was posted in Lists. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I’m a Biter: RESULTS

  1. Elyse says:

    Best role model of the whole bunch – BEA ARTHUR.
    All this is spot-on, btw. Touche.

  2. Sloane says:

    I saw the pic of Ryan Gosling and thought, “Wow, now that guy knows how to look like 1 million dollars all wrapped up in a nice gray suit. How might I attempt to achieve that suave look every day? With a tad bit more femininity included…where is the manual?” Then I read your comment underneath the pic. Spot on ol’ chap.

  3. Telina says:

    How could you forget Oprah? HOW. COULD. YOU.

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