I love going back and forth with people, talking smack, partly because it’s fun and partly because I usually can come out on top.
Since Dartmouth’s on my mind this weekend, because of Homecoming, I decided to dig up probably my favorite email from college, that being the time I got publicly OWNED by a friend of mine who I was semi-playfully beefing with via different Dartmouth press outlets.
The context: I wrote an article in our school newspaper, with a slight dig at him and his fraternity. He came back at me and ethered me. I attempted a response, but even as I wrote it, I knew he’d won.
This is the Generic Good Morning Message for Monday, February 9th, 2009.
“An Ode to Rembert Browne”
Hey Rem, I remember when we first met freshman year.
You always tried to dress so loudly that even people across campus could hear.
You put a “bar” in your dorm room in the Choates
Where (____) learned how to ____ his ___down his ___. (24 year old adult edit)
It was hot and crowded and “the bar” was just your desk (omg so cool!)
And the crowds got thinner as we learned more about this school.
All the freshmen figured out they could go to dingy basements, where
It was just as hot and crowded, but better…because Rem wasn’t there.
I remember, I remember, I remember when you were obsessed with “Crazy,” and
Tried to channel Gnarls Barkley so hard we all thought you were in the band.
The years passed by and I think you still kept playing ultimate frisbee a lot,
But on the hardwood you never improved the crappy form of your jump shot.
This fall you were on H-Crew and your outfits were a little wack —
Hey Rem, Morris Day called, he wants his…everything…back.
Maybe you thought your facetime quotient was too low as graduation drew nearer
Because soon enough, you got your own column in the Mirror!
We appreciate you “researching” off campus food and giving us the scoop,
But sometimes instead people just want to read jokes about farting and poop.
So next time you have a column idea about “Flitzing,” change your plan —
And please just try to offend as many people as you can.
If you think about hyperbolically trying to crush me like last time,
Just remember it’s a two-way street, but I did it with a rhyme.
This poem is just one big inside joke, like your last Mirror gem,
Except everyone anywhere will still laugh because they’ll say “Hey, I know Rem!”
I’m so glad, 9 times out of 10, Scott is on my side. I dunno how many servings like this I could take, especially for the eyes of 1000+ senior year of college.
I would say “apologies for the Dartmouth-specific lingo”, but not this weekend.
This weekend, I’m completely unapologetic about it.