So I got on TheFacebook.com this morning and saw this:
That’s. My. MOM.
I do a lot of things, but one thing I don’t do is embarrass my mom… on purpose. So there will be no posting of silly pictures, telling private stories, etc. etc. What I will do, however, is narrow down 250 awesome things about my mom to a Top 10. This is no easy task, but I’m going to give it my best shot.
10. Voted ‘Most Popular’ in High School
I mean, that’s too fly. Unfortunately I could not keep up w/ the family tradition, seeing as that I was voted “Most Losingest Athlete Ever”. But hey, what are you going to do.
9. Refuses to get pushed around by people at fast-food drive-thru windows.
This used to embarrass me so much, but now I respect it and love it. IF MY MOM WANTS A SWEET TEA/LEMONADE MIX WITH NO ICE, AND YOU PUT ICE IN IT, YOU WILL BE SCOLDED & POSSIBLY PUBLICLY HUMILIATED.
Swag.
8. Loves to throw parties at our house.
Oh wait, you’re having a baby? THE BABY SHOWER IS AT OUR HOUSE.
What’d you say, you’re turning 55 soon? SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY — OUR HOUSE.
Heard through the grapevine that you finally got that Master’s in Education. MASTERS EXTRAVAGANZA — OUR HOUSE — PLAYERS DRIVE — BE THERE.
7. Hates to cook, but can THROW DOWN.
My mom is not trying cook all the time, she’s got more important things to be doing, like watching Matlock and being a boss. With that said, let a holiday roll around.
Macaroni & Cheese, Pot Roast, 7-Layer Salad — No Competition.
Gumbo — Not so much, but we won’t go into that…
6. LOVES MATLOCK.
I can’t explain my mom’s love for Matlock, but it’s real. Like, so real, if there is a Matlock marathon at the same time as my Columbia Graduation, she’ll be at my graduation, but she’ll be thinking about which episodes she’s probably missing. So. Real.
5. Has a 1-Hand Backhand.
Only the truest of tennis players have the audacity to hit a 1-hand backhand. In women’s tennis, even more so. I’m talking:
Steffi Graf
Martina Navratilova
Justine Henin
Charlyn Harper Browne
Not a bad list.
4. Forced me to listen to “Oldies” in the car.
This is secretly one of the most important things that ever happened to me. Even though I listened to rap and hip-hop, in the car it only was Kiss 104, all day, all night. While I griped and groaned about this growing up, if it hadn’t been the case, I wouldn’t wholly believe that “Rubberband Man” by The Spinners was a superior song to “Rubberband Man” by T.I.
And then there’s Luther… I could go on about this topic, but I must push on.
3. This:
No. Big. Deal. Just making the world better for the little ones. That’s all.
2. Calling Out Frauds
For those of you who, for better or for worse, watch The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you know who “Dr. Tiy-E Mohammed” is. For those of you who, for better or for worse, don’t, he was a guy having a fling w/ one of the housewives who had a shady past. Read on…
The last line, “School officials said he left after they discovered his credentials were bogus.” That school official == My Mom.
SERVED. SERVED. SERVED. SERVED. SERVED.
1. Disliking Facebook.
While it’s not my favorite thing about my mom, in this wired day and age, this is pretty awesome. The only reason my mom is even on Facebook is because she organized her High School class reunion (another party) and needed to contact people.
She’s not on it to make new friends, she doesn’t have notifications sent directly to her phone and email, and she isn’t throwing up pictures from ’71 or making albums called “Ponytails OUT, Afros IN — Sophomore Year at SPELMAN Gurrrrrrl.”
Way too fly for that. I say I hate Facebook, but that’s just to sound cool. My mom actually loathes Facebook and means it. I Love That.
Happy Birthday, Mom. I thought this was a better present than something expensive, because the money I would have spent I’ll probably be asking for, come Friday May.
I’ll call you at 3.
-Rem
500 Days Asunder 
This is wonderful!!! I love the mom top ten list!
were you actually voted “Most Losingest Athlete Ever” or was that simply declared as a matter of fact by yours-truly? I think it was the latter….
happy birthday to CHB! she’s the best. fact.
Here it was 1:30 and I was about to cry because I hadn’t gotten my usual first-thing-in-the-morning-call-from-my-son-on-my-birthday . . . and what should appear but this article (You say blog, I say “article.” “Blog” sounds “swampy” to me. . . but I digress). I don’t think I’ve laughed as hard in all of my. . . (drumroll please). . . 61 years! You have truly made me happy. To paraphrase Luther, “I know for sure, I am loved!” You’re the Best, My Dear Son!! Love you for sure, Momscicle
Charlyn!!!! You didn’t tell that child where all that food came from!!!!!!!!!??????
Happy Birthday and congradulations on having a wonderful son. Rembert, I have some stories, but they must be told in private. We’ll talk.
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Rem – and I’m calling you that as, it would appear, that’s a name your mother uses for you, I am an old friend of your mom’s from her college and grad school days. I have been HOW’lin’ at any number of the things you wrote about her because I KNOW that they are TRUE. And, as an aside that MUST be mentioned, you REALLY write well. Annnd, you’re FUNNY. At any rate….
I have your mother’s permission to tell you the following bit of history. This would come under the heading of her competitiveness and her tenacity – the early days…….
So, there we were at The Atlanta University. 1973. Statistics. With Dr. Eagleson. Stats is NOT fun. At least, not for me. But, in the School of Education (I was in the Counseling Dept. and am a private practice clinician in St. Louis lo these many years) it is a requisite. Do you know what I had the NERVE to do???? I scored higher than she did on our first exam. Rem….that was a misTAKE!!! She was NOT pleased. And, I would note, over the course of that day’s enTIRE class that she would be givin’ me “the look”. You know the one. She was practicing it even then. Preparing it for YOU. And, yes…..that was the LAST time I bested her during stats exams. She, indeed, is outSTANDing, Rem. And, as you well know, you’re blessed to have her as your mother. ‘Course, I’m additionally biased as today is my birthday, too. Continue to do well, my man.
That is unbelievable. And by unbelievable, I mean believable.
Thanks for the story, any free dirt I have on my relatively “clean” mom I’ll take.
-Rem
Rem,
I could tell you stories and I will when you reach 40. Your mom’s the best. I’m loving reading your blog. Your style of writing just invites you in, and I love your sense of humor. Keep it up.
Janis
You know your Mom! Only one like her! Great present! Don’t you have some homework! Lol!
this is too cute! gotta love a guy who loves his mom!